Kelly got scared. I kept thinking, hoping, that it was just our upstairs neighbors.

But the banging continued. I got up and went to the bedroom door. We heard the doorknob move.

I had to convince Kelly to let me go to the living room to grab a phone. I got there, grabbed it, yelled "hello" then ran back to the bedroom.

Kelly called the police.

At this point they were banging on our front door like crazy, yelling "what are you, retarded?"

I thought, for a moment, it was James, Jessica's crazy boyfriend, who was trying to get at us for telling Jessica to leave him.

Kelly's on the phone with the police, I'm looking out the window to see if I can see the fucker, and I see the police pull pass our parking lot and then reverse.

That's when I run out of the bedroom, out of the apartment, and behind me Kelly goes to the patio door.

The ass is on the patio about to break in through the glass.

I get outside and without stopping fly over the patio railing and tackle the guy.

Okay, no, that didn't happen. But it would've been pretty fucking cool.

The police start yelling at him, saying "is this your apartment?"

And I reply, politely to the police "fuck hell no this is my apartment, get his ass."

The guy is so fucking drunk he doesn't say anything, can't understand what the police are telling him. He won't get off my patio.

Police grab him, assist him "gently" to the ground. Arrest him.

Apparently what happened last time and this time is this: the guy gets drunk and apparently forgets what his apartment is. He then thinks that his roommate has locked him out and won't let him back in, so the only reasonable thing to do then is to break in.

It's just our apartment he's been breaking in to.

So we're pressing charges, the apartment complex is evicting him, I am getting a taser because neither Kelly nor I want a gun.

But Kelly may not let me get a taser because both Jessica and I want to be tased.