2005-12-29 - 10:44 p.m. I want to look on the bright side. I keep trying to force myself into thinking about how great it will be, once I have my own apartment and am back out there, making women laugh again. But there are times, like tonight, when it's really hard to. When it feels like she's slowly erasing me from her life completely. It's kind of surprising how much this is hurting me. So you try to figure out ways to deaden whatever is inside of you. Sleeping pills. Alcohol. Killing pieces of yourself one last time. I'm hoping once I get all my job situations situated, I can just work everything out of me. Just work over night and during the day and come home and sleep and get up and do it again and again and just turn into a robot. Forget that there's anything out there. Forget that there's anything in me. Just find something to absorb me for the next year. Find something I can care about that won't turn around and hurt down the road. I need to set some goals. I need to just fucking get off my ass and do something to make everything go by so quickly. One day, this I promise you, one day you're going to wake up surround by these people who you've chosen, and you'll realize I'm not there. And you're going to miss the hell out of me. You're going to want to call me, you're going to want to hug me, you're going to want to listen to me more than you want to be with them. And I won't be there. See this? This is me killing a part of myself. This is me stopping this from ever happening again. This is me building up walls. This is me being selfish. I'm going to be gone. I'm going to disappear. And you're going to miss me. There's no one out there like me, that I can promise you. And I won't even be like me soon enough. previous - next