2005-12-30 - 9:44 p.m. I'm doing a little better today. Things are moving forward slowly. Straightening up pieces here and there. Figuring out how I feel about certain things. I've got to keep my mind set on something, put out some goals out there that I can reach for, just do something to occupy me so I don't think about her and things. I want to be stronger than I am. I feel okay, most of the time, like I'm going forward, like there's something good just waiting for me out there, something new and better and, dare I say it, even just a tad bit shiny? But then I stumble, which I guess is natural and maybe even okay. I stumble and I miss her and I wonder how on earth it came to be this way, where all the room I have is my bed width and she's out there like nothing has changed, nothing is different, nothing of importance happened. But, really, if she does feel that way, then that should tell me something. It should be some kind of clue that maybe I'm picking up, but just losing grip on it here and there. My mom said to me, earlier tonight, she said, "do you need a dresser?" and I said, "no, I'll be okay." and she said, "Yeah, but we'll get you one if you need it." and I said "no, I'm okay." Because I've got this kind of pride that won't allow me to really ask for help from them unless I really need it. I don't want to take their money, I don't want to burden them. Like I am now. And my mom, she just kind of looked at me and then said "you're the one who would never let me buy anything for. If I had asked your sister, she would already be in the car." Self-contained, I guess that's what I'm looking for. That's what I need to be, in order to get on. Self-contained. Self-reliant. There are very few people out there who will hold on to you, despite everything, hold on to you in your troubles, in your fits of anger, in your flat out ugliness. There are very few people like that out there. I've been lucky enough to find three, so far, and for that, I'm blessed. That's three more than a lot of people have. And I guess, maybe, that there's a fourth woman out there, someone who will hold on to me in all my ugliness, and I guess maybe the trick is to not need her. To be so self-reliant that I can live without her, but with her it just makes everything all the better. It shouldn't be this hard. If Amy really wants to be with me, she'll realize it and come to me. If she doesn't, then I'm just already taking whatever steps I need to take to move forward. I just have to remember to keep on walking. Every day gets me closer to something incredible. I just have to keep going. And if someone wants me, they'll have to come to me. previous - next