2005-12-21 - 12:04 p.m. I swing back and forth from being okay and not being okay and thinking about drinking and thinking about just driving away somewhere and doing something stupid and just stopping everything. I know I am not okay. I am surprised at how much this hurts. I am surprised at how often I hear her, in my head, telling me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. It doesn't matter anymore, but I was ready to buy her a ring. It doesn't matter anymore, but I was ready. And see? This is why I am scared of getting married. This is why, Amy, I was hesitant. How do you go from that? How do you go from talking about marriage to just not being in love anymore? How does that happen? Maybe ten years from now I'll look back on this and think that I had no fucking clue what a family really is, what love really meant. But right now, right now all I can think about is the fact that I held you and said, "this is my family" and you didn't disagree. You let me fucking believe. And that's what hurts. I have to rebuild my life. And as much as I say I don't want to, I know I'm going to fall in love again. I know I'll find some girl that loves me as much as Amy loved me. I won't deny that: Amy loved me more than anyone ever has. She put up with a lot of shit from me. A lot. I was mean and jealous and she will find someone incredible for her. She'll find someone who can love her more than I ever could. As much as I rant and rave and beat at my chest, that much is true. She's a beautiful woman who just happened to hurt me. A lot. I don't want to love again, but I will. I'll be in this spot, again. Probably a few more times. And I really don't want to be. Just know this: The next woman is going to have to come after me. The next one will have to convince me. The next woman will have to be flat out amazing. But for now I am going to find a friend and I am going to go out and pretend I have money and take care of myself. previous - next