| 2005-12-20
- 11:02 p.m. You wake up in this hotel room at 7 in the morning after an hour of sleep and it hits you. You're in a hotel. In some stupid city you never got the name of. And it fucking hits you: your life that you've spent the last year and a half building, is over. It's done with. You'll never sleep in that bed with her again. That dog will never curl up between the two of you. She'll never cook you dinner, you'll never do her laundry. It's over. A part of you dies. And that wound is so fresh and so deep and how in the hell are you going to start over? You might not have been up there in her list, but she was top in yours. But I guess someone has to walk away in every relationship. Someone has to say "yeah, remember when I told you I wanted to be with you forever? I lied." "Remember me saying I wasn't going to leave you? Another fat lie." "Oh, yeah, and that I care about you more than anyone else? Haha, you guessed it." Remember how I believed you? You wake up and everything is different. Everything has been lost and you realize you're an asshole. A complete and utter asshole and she should come shoot you and you think yeah, that would make it a bit better. Or a cocktail. Of alcohol and pills. Bit better there. "I care about you and don't want to see you in a tailspin. Haha, fooled you. Lie!" And you're selfish. Incredibly selfish. You want her to be there for you, you want her to answer your phone calls and talk to you and ignore everybody else even though she never did that when you were together, so why should she do it now? Not now, not when she's got what she wants. She's got her friends and her dog and her apartment. She doesn't need to care about you. And she shouldn't. Because, really, you're just an incredible handful of trouble. You're not worth it. And that's all you've ever wanted to be. Worth it. To somebody else. You've just wanted someone to say they want you there. And not just for today, but tomorrow. And the day after that. And not just until they're ready for something else. Always. Always. You want to be good enough. You want to be good enough. You need to be. There are things out there that don't discriminate. Likes pills and alcohol and pain and stupidity. You're good enough for them. |
