It's really over. And it's sinking in. And I don't know what to do.

I am an asshole, that's pretty much been settled.

also what has been settled? i am done with love. it is stupid. i am eloquent.

for as long as i can remember, all i've really wanted is my own family. my own wife to come home to, my own children. a dog. a bathroom i've painted myself. my own fucking gutters to clean.
and that won't ever happen. and somewhere i am going to have to become okay with this. and it's weird to have this one dream of yours continually shot down.
"i love you, but i'm not in love with you."

i don't understand that. i don't understand how people just stop being in love with you. with me. that's the rub, i guess.
there is something about me that just causes people to run into this wall. this line where they can't go any further with me and would prefer to do other things. be other places.
i can't really blame them, i guess. i'm a lot. too much.

not worth it.

what hurts the most is that, afterwards, after they realize they only, you know, really care for me and would rather be friends with me, is that they lie.
they pretend to still be in love with me.
they pretend to care about me. they worry about me and want to be there for me.
but, you know, only when it's convient for them. only when they don't have anything else to do or anywhere else to go. i can't really believe that you're worried about me going into a tailspin if only call me once in four days. and that's only to ask me if i'm staying in birmingham or not.

some people find love that lasts forever. my parents, for one. they'll be married until i die. and then there are others who i guess aren't supposed to have that. others who just make really good friends, really good uncles, really good god parents. and i guess i'm one of them.

what is wrong with me?
why can't i just cut it out of me? go in with a sharp knife or dull spoon and flick it out. i don't want to be perfect, i don't want to be less flawed.
i just want whatever is bad in me out. whatever makes me crazy and whatever makes me sleep alone in some stupid city in some stupid hotel paid for with money i don't have taken out of me.

what kills me most, i think, is knowing that she's having more fun now than she could be if she was with me. what kills me is knowing that, i bet, within a few months she'll be with someone new, even though she says she wants to be single. you don't fucking say that and then say "but there are people interested in me, i won't deny that" if you don't have any fucking plans.