i had them for emily, for kim, hell, even for kat, and, strongest of all, the girl, but for amy, they're just not there.

so many commas in that sentence.

this isn't to say things are bad. they're not. i argue with her, yeah, and sometimes the giving's more lopsided than i would like, but it's worth it.

and as long as it's worth it, it's worth continuing. right? right.

but there are times, like when we were at the botanical garden. we were on a small bridge looking down at the large pond watching the koi goldfish and the turtles and there were kids laughing off in the distance and it was cool and there was a breeze and things felt good.

things felt more than good. they were relaxed and that important spot inside of me was expanding.

secretly, you see, i want to swallow the whole world, and i love people who make me feel like maybe, just maybe, i can do it.

i guess i'm just afraid i've lost that loving feeling.

woah. oh. oh. that loving feeling.

it's gone. gone. gone.

okay, not really.

tomorrow i have a job interview for a semi-professional job that could, possibly, lead to a career and/or pay for more schooling which would lead to a career.

which would be a big bonus, because today i was thinking of going back for my teaching license and maybe a business degree.

and there's also that damn master's degree i want to get.

so hopefully the interview will go well and they will fall in love with me and say "oh crayon, can't we just pay you to sit there and crack jokes?" and i will say "why, no, i'll do that for free, but you can pay me to just sit there and look pretty." and they will say "that's what the extra 10 an hour is for." and i will say "sir, and ma'am, we do have a deal." and they will say "yippee, cake for everyone!" and i will say "not me, i'm watching my figure." and they will say "oh crayon, you're beautiful the way you are." and i will say "true, but you've gotta up keep the money maker." and they will say "okay."

if you couldnt tell, i need sleep.