that was beautiful.

that says:

you are brilliant.

and it just makes my chest swell. it makes me feel like i'm doing something good, something, even something small like responding to a letter and getting it published.

but at the same time, it twists my insides a little, because i can still hear her saying those things to me.

i can still hear the love in her voice.

all she has to do is say i'm beautiful, and it makes me wish i was there.

i think, a lot, about the few nights i got to spend with her.

how she fell asleep on her stomach. about how, once, she fell asleep so close to me that i had no room on the bed. when she woke up and saw i had a few inches through the night, she felt bad. but it was great, it was amazing being that close to her.

it was worth the risk of falling.

it was always worth the risk of falling.

her body, it's unlike any i ever thought i'd be able to touch.

her skin was so immense, there were spans of flesh that i wanted to get lost in, touching, kissing, tracing the light hairs with my pads.

i sing of the body electric, he said.

the body electric. the barbaric yawp. immense, containing multitudes.

so incredible, so overwhelming, so much more than i ever deserved, than i could ever really, rightfully handle.

but god do i miss her.

i miss those nights, i miss those stolen afternoons in her house, i miss being completely alone with her, forgetting volumes, forgetting everything but the us, the then, the now, the pulsating the moving the god damn rushing of everything, blood and air and everything.

i got lost in her.

minutes, whole hours gone. and then she stands to leave, and we're there again, on the floor, her teeth grabbing skin, my fingers grabbing the floor, balancing and tipping.

falling.

always falling.

i don't know what to do. where to go from here.

i was walking down my hallway today and i just thought "i dont know how to fall in love again."

"i can't see how to do it."

"i can't see losing it to someone else."

and then she emails me.

and calls me beautiful.

falling.