not my dreams-goals-wishes kind of things, but the dreams that happen when, at night, i can finally find some sleep.

i dont think they're anything special, mind you, but they've given me comfort a lot through the years.

they helped me handle my sister's death.

they kept me connected with the girl. i'd have dreams of her calling me, i'd have dreams of me talking to her on the phone, and the next day she'd call. stuff like that.

if i had paid attention, they would've helped me with kim. i had a dream once we were in separate cars, driving down the interstate, and i had thought we were both going to the same place. but then i looked over to see her car signalling for the exit. i waved and pointed ahead, and she waved, shrugged, and motioned to the exit. she got off. i kept riding in that car.

and so, sometimes, when the days are rough, i go to bed and i think, alright, give me something to work with dreams.

because, from all i've figured and read and heard, dreams, while not god speaking to you or blahblahblah, at the very least, they're just your mind telling you something you need to hear or see or realize. something small or big or whatever the hell.

but sometimes, they're just dreams. with big robotic apes that like to bowl in the middle of cities or eggs that want to kill me.

last night i had this dream, though.

the second night in a row i had a dream of emily.

in this dream i was with other people, in a setting i don't know of in waking life. and i was trying to get emily's attention.

at one point i was even riding an elephant to try to get her attention.

it didn't really work.

the night before last i was dreaming i was in this cave type setting, with a bunch of other people, in some kind of class.

in this class we were asked to make a kind of collage of the important things in our lives and write down why they were important.

which i did. and i saved emily for last. in this big construction paper circle i started writing all the good things about her.

i wrote "nice" i wrote "funny" i wrote "supportive" i wrote "cute" i wrote "smart" and on and on in this list.

the teacher called the excerise and i was still writing. they had to take the paper away from me.

i dont know what i'm expecting. i dont know if i want someone to come up to me in my dream and go "leave her alone ass" or "give it a fortnight and she'll be ready. she misses you, ass."

i dont know.

but i figure if i keep dreaming that she's ignoring me, i'll realize it one day that this is real. that she's gone, for good, and i've fucked up, for good.

i guess i kind of answered myself in this entry.

eh.