it shouldnt be, but it does and it does and it does.

and i just want to lay in the tub. i want to fill it with cold water and stay.

i want the shock of it stealing my breath, i want something real and fucking hard, i want something that goes underneath it all, i want god dammit i want.

"you need someone there to tell you you're great"

and that's not the complete truth, no, it's not that, its not... fuck.

what the fuck it is is this:

i dont care about being great. i dont care about amazing or brilliant or breath taking or good looking or witty or the best thing to ever happen to you. i dont want to be that, any of that, dammit.

i just want to be good.

i'm settling for good.

i want to wake up knowing that i havent pushed everyone away from me, that people left and right arent telling me that they're better off without me.

i just want to be good.

that's all.

it's so hard to do, i'm failing so badly.

god dammit. god fucking dammit.

just stop giving up on me. please.