because fucking is the word i use most often now. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

last night i drove my car into a ditch.

i'm okay, the car's questionable, but i'm going to fucking (there's that word) drive that baby into the ground.

wait. i did that. YESTERDAY.

fuck me.

so i drive my car into a ditch. it's all lopsided and there's a wheel a few feet off the ground and i'm throwing it in drive, tossing it into fucking reverse, trying to do something, get a little traction, flip myself the fucking hell over, i dont know.

i toss dirt up. or hell, maybe it was just my tire smoking. either or at this point, both is unhelpful.

so i'm tossing dirt up and i'm cussing myself and i'm opening the door and i'm jumping out my car.

i wish i had had a camera.

i walk to the nearest house, ring the doorbell, ask for help.

the whole fucking family comes out.

the father looks at it and just goes "wow."

and i go "if i mess up, i mess up big."

and he goes "i see."

we finally get the car back onto the road, what with some lifting and pushing and gears fucking grinding and me almost killing the family and falling out of my car.

and i'm sitting in the middle of the road, completely blocking the road, and my car's idling and there's puddles of crap all over the place, transmission fluid, what we thought was a brake line rupture, this and that, im sitting there.

and my arms are shaking and i feel like an ass, i feel like a fool.

and i think, man. emily could make this better.

i think. yeah. she would tell me it's okay. she would be worried about my health, and then ask about my car.

she'd make it okay.

and i was getting out of my car, talking to the family, trying to give them money, being hugged by this mom i'll probably never see again, and i can't call emily.

and i just dont know anymore.

i've got a package coming to me i'm going to turn around and ship to her. i've got some stories i'm going to fix, somehow bind together, and send to her.

i've got a publication i'm going to be in i'm going to send to her.

but. it's not the same.