we cant be friends with people we've dated. they don't really want that.

because you don't know how to care.

because you get too clingy.

because you're too serious in relationships.

because you're looking for someone to tell you you're great because you dont believe it about yourself.

because you're not comfortable with yourself.

because you guilt trip.

because you get too close to people without developing a friendship.

because.

because.

because.

because people give up. people want disposable friendships. disposable, superficial friendships.

and it makes you want to punch things. it makes you want to rip your own stomach out with your hands.

it's not fucking worth it anymore.

what you need to do, see, is just fuck people. maybe you can like them a little bit, but thats all.

anything more messes everything up.

fuck romantic bullshit. fuck the sappy crap. fuck the movie endings she wants. fuck it.

the realistic thing is this:

nothing lasts. don't pretend. don't fucking say love and then later turn around on all of it.

and don't fucking say you won't forget me, because you will.

two years from now, when you're with whatever guy you're with, when you're holding his hand in the grocery store, you won't remember me. so don't fucking say you will.

you won't wonder whatever happened to me.

so now i just have to give it enough time and space so that if i do something stupid or if something bad happens to me you won't blame yourself.

because it's not your fault.

it's not her fault.

it's not my parents fault.

it's not that my sister died and i never handled that well.

it's my own fault for being too weak to handle all of this and simply, god dammit, simply needing someone to hold me up. and then realizing it's bullshit, no one wants to hold anyone up, no one wants to be that person.

it's all good in theory, its all good when you've just fucked and are in bed looking at each other in the dark. sure, you can fucking say then you'll always be there and you'll always care.

but you fucking know what? sometimes, when you say all that shit, sometimes, when you let it be said and you don't disagree with it, sometimes people actually believe.

and what a fucking fool i was for believing.