and surprisingly, i meant it.

we got into an argument about it. she said she wouldn't accept money from me.

it came to the point we were really arguing. kind of mad at each other.

she said "what are you going to do? stick it in my pocket?"

and i said "maybe."

and she said "then i'll give it back."

and i said "i'll disappear. you won't find me."

and she said "then i'll drive to your parents and give it to them and say here take it, give it back to crayon."

and i said "i'll tell them not to."

i didn't really think about this before i said any of it.

i'd love to have her here. or i'd really like to be there with her. i'd like the chance to wake up next to her just to know that i got another day, another try at being with her.

but as much as i want that, i know she won't be happy here. i know arizona is where she wants and needs to be for right now. for years, maybe. without me. with me if she ever says she wants me there.

but she needs to be there.

and i believe this to the point where i will ruin our friendship and leave her life to make sure she stays there for however long she needs to be there.