some things, i guess, got settled, while as other things are still in the air and i don't really have any clear idea upon what is going to happen to us all.

she looked at my hands today and said "why are they so red?"

and i said "because i was sitting like this."

and then i took my hands out from where i had crossed them over my knees and we looked at my cuts, at my scars, at how one knuckle on my right hand is rubbed raw red.

she said "you're so cut up."

and i said "i'm careless."

it was weird, being around her, because i wanted to pull her into a kiss, because i wanted the awkward me to leave and not worry about all this little stuff i worry about.

and she asked me to leave, then kept me around, kept me around some more, and then walked me to my car for as i had something to give unto her.

this week i didn't get to see her much. i saw her one night at her parents house, we stayed there, watching tv, moving around, she did laundry and wouldn't let me help.

later that night her parents made dinner and i got to stay. they went out of their way to make me something vegetarian and then made sure i didn't help put dishes away or clean the table.

but i used my sly sneaky ninja skills to stack plates for easier access while they were not looking.

and so tonight she walked me to my car and i don't know how to feel, what to feel, what hope to have, whether to move on or just wait and see what happens for her, to her, what i need.

i pulled out what i had for her, a ceramic super grover i've had... for a long time.

i have an intense love of grover, she likes super grover, so i thought it'd be a fair trade, a nice parting gift.

she looked at me and said she couldn't take it. and i told her no, it was okay, and she asked why and i said because i wanted her to have it.

and then, before i really knew it, she had grabbed my jacket pocket and pulled me into a hug.

the first hug since she's been back.

and so i held on tightly with my face near her neck that not so long ago i kissed, trailed down to collar bone, and there she was and there i was and i said "i've missed you."

and she started crying.

she cried and said "i have missed you so much crayon."

and it tore me up.

part of me believes, thinks, she still has deep feelings for me.

part of me thinks, believes, that she doesn't fully realize that i would move to see how a relationship with her would go.

the idea of her finding someone else, of dating someone else, of someone else kissing her, being kissed by her, listening to her talk, getting to know what stresses her out and what songs she hates, thinking about it all makes me jealous and hurts and i don't know where to go, where we stand.

there's still a chance, however small, for us. she won't say no to it and she knows that i'm going to be waiting for a while for her decision to change.

however, five months is a long time.

and she'll probably find someone else.

and i miss her.

she's given me an insane amount of gifts, made me believe in myself all over again, made me think that maybe i do have something to offer someone.

and so yes, part of me, a nice chunk of me, is still in love with her, even if i shouldn't be, even if it would be easier to throw my hands up and say i'm done with this whole relationship thing in general.

she's stronger than i am.

and so for right now, i'm just going to hurt a little.

ache kind of dully on the inside.