less than twelve hours, at least.

and it's really hard not to be jealous of who she's spending time with, because i know that she needs to spend time with them.

i know she misses her best friend, i know her family won't let her do things.

but i'm jealous.

we had plans, or i thought we had plans, for tomorrow and she's changed them now because she's spending time with someone else.

and so i'm jealous and upset i took a week off work to just sit in my house on my ass.

and what did i do when she asked me if i was free friday?

take off work again.

i've got no money as it is, will have even less money come next week, but i'm taking off days right and left simply because she's in town.

but i'm not spending any time with her.

but at the same fucking time, i'm strongly disliking myself for being jealous and for wanting and asking to spend time with her because

a) there are more important people in her life.

b) i'm just someone she used to date now. maybe a good friend. but that's all.

c) she's stressed out enough as it is, i shouldn't be adding to it by asking so much if i can see her, if she can somewhere, somehow, fit me in.

so i'm an ass, is what it feels like it's coming down to.

it feels like i should say hey, emily, you need free time, i'm just going to go away again, don't worry about me, spend that time with whoever else.

and so i said as much, on the phone tonight. told her if that's what she needs, i'll back off, i'll leave.

and she said no, that i'm not getting the time i deserve already, that what she needs to do is fit as much in as possible and then leave and have everything stored in her.

i'm a fool, i guess. a fool and an ass and jealous and hurt a little more than i'll probably ever admit to her.

and it's tearing me up inside because i really hate just sitting here waiting on other people, waiting as i know she's out with whomever else.

she promised me a day. a full day.

maybe friday i'll have it, but friday's going to be filled with a damn doctors appointment.

i haven't even hugged her yet.

and this is breaking my heart and i just want to walk away for her so she doesn't have to worry or deal with me.

if i was less of an ass, more honest with everyone, i would say that i know i'm not going to do that because it will hurt too much, it'll be another example of how i just wasn't enough for someone else.

instead i stay in town, hurting a little more each day, wanting a little more attention, doing and saying stuff to her to which she replies "why do you have to do such nice things?" and "you deserve more from me."

and i sit here feeling like a liar, like a huge asshole, knowing that friday i'm just going to have to give her up again so she can spend time with someone else.

maybe i'll get my fucking courage up by tomorrow to let it all go.

or at least pretend as much so she can talk me into staying again.