she wouldn't agree to the pity part, but she knows im hurt a bit.

and even the way she's handling all this, the way she's carrying herself and being stronger than i would have ever managed to be, the way she's looking to the future in a way i never could or never will be able to, all of this makes me respect her even more, makes me think that that's the kind of woman i want to date.

it's already affecting me and it's only been an hour and a half.

already i can feel myself walling up more than i want to.

i dont think the cynicism is going to leave this time.

i dated one of the best people i've ever known, one of the greatest, and it didn't work out.

i dated a person who hurt me more than i've ever been hurt by anyone and it didn't work out.

there's no point. someone cheats, someone leaves, someone grows tired, someone wants to date new people, someone moves, someone dies. nothing lasts.

nothing lasts long enough.

and i know this feeling is fucking fleeting and i know that if she called me up tomorrow and said she doesn't know what she wanted i'd step up to the plate and lay down what i honestly feel. which is this:

i still like her a whole hell of a lot and i would still move to be where ever she is to see if it worked out.

one of the biggest regrets in my life will be to let this go.

one of the greatest things i've ever done is be with her.

i want to work with this, i'm not afraid of the future, it'll hurt when we're apart but if it works out in the end, it'll be amazing.

and if it doesn't, it doesn't. i just don't want to fucking live my life not doing things because of what might happen.

i realize that im confused and that half of me is saying never date anyone again and half of me is saying i want to pursue emily, but god dammit, all i've ever known to be real is what i feel.

and i know what i feel.

and i know what she told me today.

and i know they don't match up.

i wasn't able to compete with a mother. i wasn't able to compete with school. i wasn't able to compete with work.

and now i'm not able to compete with the future.