and i guess by seeing her i was hoping that i'd realize all the feelings i have are just memories and it's all faded and i just want to be good friends with her.

and then she got in my car and said "dammit crayon, you can't even... wait, i forgot your present!" and got out of my car.

and i knew the feelings were still there, still strong.

it was so hard not to grab her or hold her hand or pull her into me and kiss her or trace her neck.

the four months could've not existed for all intents and purposes.

my body, my heart, it all fell right back into place.

we went to her best friend's house and her best friend's dad hugged me.

hugged me, yo.

we left after about two hours or so, went to arbys, her other best friend finally drove up, got in my car.

i'd just watch her laughing at them, talking with them, smiling, and i could spend every day from here until she leaves again with her and not have enough time.

there's never enough time.

i finally had to take her home, so her best friends got out of my car and we started driving away and i finally told her she smelled good.

because as soon as she got into my car the scent changed and it was warm and made me smile.

on the way to her house we talked about what would happen between us. she said she didn't know, and i told her it was up to her.

pulled into her driveway and god help me if i didn't want to grab her hand and pull her across the arm rest and kiss the hell out of her.

but i couldnt. all i could do is ball my hands to stop from touching her and say "it's really hard, not being able to just touch you."

and she melted into the door and said "i know... i am pretty hot."

and that, my friends, is why i love her.

i said "it's weird, you just getting out."

and she said "i think that's what i want to do tonight, though."

and i said "okay. but... just tonight, or for your entire stay?"

and she said "i don't know."

we watched a dvd tonight and i wanted so badly to put my head in her lap or just touch her arm and i can tell it's frustrating us both but god damn.

god damn.

she could make the back of my head explode if she wanted to.

this is what i said i wouldn't do, right?

well. i'm full of shit when i'm sitting alone in the dark.

i miss her like hell.

and i told her that. and she grinned like i haven't seen in 4 months and said "good."

like the time i told her i really liked her, before we went on our first date, and she grinned and said "i really like it when you say that."

there were times tonight seh would look at me across the pale lit car and i would just want to strip myself naked, cut myself open, show her everything in me, show her how i feel, show her... show her honesty, i guess.

man i'm such a sucker.

she's got my heart.

now it's just waiting and seeing if she's going to give it back or keep it.