i spread my fingers out against a table top, the edge of my laptop, anywhere, and i watch the fingers glide over and the palm slowly descend and meet solid surface and i remember doing that to her.

i remember my hand on her stomach, spreading out, touching, pushing in gently to feel the resistance, to hear her breath, the see her lip get caught between teeth.

memories and images flash in my mind during the middle of the day to hold me, to steal my time away from something else i should be doing, something else i should be paying attention to.

and the memories aren't half as bad as what might happen. as what could happen. as what the physical part of me really wants to happen.

this is a weird break, but stay with me, it pans out, i promise:

i'm a fan of the simpsons. during one episode they were showing how marge and homer got together, how he pretended to need help with french, how she didn't go to prom with him.

but then she realized her mistake and went and found him on the side of the road.

the thing that always stuck with me is what homer said. he says "i've got a problem. once you stop this car i'm going to hug you, then kiss you, and then i'll never be able to let you go."

and it's probably, to this day, one of the most romantic lines i've ever heard off of any tv show. it's not my favorite or anything like that. but here's how it all connects:

i'm afraid that when she comes back, i'm afraid that if we do continue something, i'm afraid that if i lay next to her late at night, in the dark, her skin against mine, watching her sleep, trailing my fingers over her back, down her spine, i'm afraid that if i begin undressing her it'll be this way.