i've been stressed recently.

nothing more than usual, at least. no new developments on anything that should be of importance to me.

it's just there are times when things hit harder than they usually do, or harder than they should.

like her abscence.

i want her here, dammit, or me there. dammit.

i want to watch a movie with her and have her be so comfortable with me she could just lay her head on my knee for a minute as she's reaching for something.

i want to brush her hair, so full of curls and softer on my palm than she believes it to be, away from her face, away from her ear, so i can tell her i love her.

i just want to be able to tell her i love her.

i've only said it once, since she left, and she's told me not to say it again because it's too hard to hear it when there's that sixteen thousand miles between us.

it wells up in me sometimes, sometimes when she's sad or incredibly happy or telling me a story that's making me laugh or just talking normal like, it wells up in me and it's there, by my adam's apple, and all i want to do is say i love you.

she gets depressed about her eating habits. all i know to say is i love you, i love you.

but i can't.

so i find other words to say. i talk around it. i say i've always liked you.

i say this and that, but not what i want to say. not what i think might make her relax a little, unthinkingly, not what i think might make her smile uncontrollably.

it sits in my chest when its not in my throat.

a small metal ball that weighs my lungs down.

sometimes it grows cold and sinks through muscle and i can feel it drag into my belly.

i write equations in my head. asking if the variable y is i love you, how many problems could be reduced and even brought to zero if we implanted it in?

i'm stressed about working with incomptent managers? come home to y. maybe receive y back. inverse proportionate.

maybe some day soon i can say it again.