i'm not sure if it's the right thing, i'm not sure if it would last, i'm not sure what i'm going to do with the rest of my life, i'm not sure about a lot of things.

i just know, though, there are times when missing her swells up in me so thick and heavy.

and, the other night, she told me "i'm worried about you?"

and i said "why?"

and she said "because i'm afraid i'll let go before you can."

and i said "yeah, probably."

then the conversation shifted. and then it shifted back when i said "how close are you to letting go?"

and she said "not close at all."

so it's there, in both of us, sometimes.

but there's a big part of her that thinks it won't work out. that, i think, believes i wouldn't really move out to arizona.

last night she said something like "you wouldn't like arizona. fall's only two weeks."

fall, autumn, is my favorite type of season. i love the way the leaves smell when they're on the ground and i love the weather and it makes me smile.

but all fall is is a season.

it's only around two weeks or a month and a half or whatever.

there's the rest of the year.

and i don't know.

i don't know if there won't be someone else to come along and seduce me.

i don't know if there will be someone else for emily. someone there. someone who can see her more than three times a year.

i don't know what's right and what's wrong.

all i know is how i feel. and that's a scary way to live a life, by only going with what you feel.

but that's what's real to me. and sometimes i've lied to myself and sometimes i've been lied to and it hurts a hell of a lot more then as opposed to just a bad decision based on thoughts.

so i've got to make a decision. i've got to decide if i'm going to keep living based on what i feel.

it's not safe, not at all, it's full of questions and doubts.