she is sick and she told me that, this morning, she woke up and she really wished i was there.

and i didnt ask why, but i knew why. i knew what'd she have me do, if i was there.

just curl up behind her in bed, put my arm around her waist and hold her, gently, until her cramping stopped or her medicine kicked in enough she could roll over and look up.

i havent told her, but i imagined, a lot, about being with different people. about how sleeping next to them would feel. about how i would hold her or her or her in my arm and how her hip would feel pressed into mine or how her shoulder blades would be so thin and sharp like a plate in my grandmother's fine china cabinet i could never touch.

but always, when i imagined, i imagined holding them.

but now, when i imagine holding emily, when i imagine spending the night with her, sleeping with her, not only do i imagine her curled up against me, my arm around her.

i imagine something different.

for the first time i'm able to really picture someone holding me.

i can imagine curling up into a ball on the side of the bed because im tired, im frustrated, im angry. i can imagine laying there, absorbed in my own world, alone, until she walks in.

and i can imagine her sliding into bed next to me, without either one of us saying anything.

and i can imagine her wrapping her arms around me from behind.

i can imagine her holding me.

and i can imagine wanting her to hold me.

wanting her to just be there, behind me, solid as i let out all my frustrations silently and tensely.

i dont know what this means, wanting to be held.

all i know is it makes me miss her even more.