i did something stupid two years ago.

i became too attached to you. my confidence became too tied into what you thought about me, how you looked at me.

when we broke up, when you said some of those things you said, i lost a lot of what i had came to believe.

i lost most of my confidence. most of anything that i felt was good about myself.

i lost it because of those things you said.

and you're probably thinking i'm beating a dead horse. that we've talked about all this before. it should be resolved.

it's not a dead horse for me.

and i don't think it will ever be completely resolved for me.

there have been bad things that came out of our breakup. there have also been good things.

good things such as:

i will never again attach myself to someone like i did to you.

and i met emily. i have no idea if our breaking up led to us meeting. i do know our breaking up gave me the freedom to date her.

she has done a lot to help me regain some of the confidence that was taken when you left.

i'm not staking anything on her. i'm not connecting it with her. you taught me that.

but she's believed in me when you didn't.

last night she said she was proud of me.

she says i'm a good person.

and i know she says it because she believes it. not because she's trying to get me to continue to date her, not because she thinks it's the right thing to say.

all the times she told me it was worth, all those times helped me. remember when you said it wasn't worth it?

remember how i believed you?

but even now, even though i'm a little stronger and a little more sure of my footing, even now i'm still hurting.

i'm at the point now where i've realized the thing that would be best for me is to back away from you.

to cut off contact for a while.

i can't continue to remember all the things that hurt me. i can't continue to have you over at my apartment and listen to you talk about him.

i don't think it's fair for either one of us, the way i feel. i don't think i can allow myself to be a friend to you, much less a good friend.

if there's going to be any chance for me to stop hurting, this is what i think i have to do.

and already i feel a little stronger for it.

and i'm sure tomorrow i'll feel a little bit stronger.

and maybe there will be one day down the road when i'll think back to when you said i shouldn't be surprised you're trying to find someone better than me and maybe i won't be hurt by it.

maybe i won't be angry and bitter.

but i won't ever be there if i continue like this.

i need to let it go.

i need to let you go.