even if those fingertips have to stretch across 1600 miles.

emily treats me incredibly well, and i don't really know how to handle that.

she strikes me as the complete opposite of kim, sometimes.

for example:

kim doesn't think i can have children. at least, not easily. and, yeah, she's more or less right. maybe in a few more years science will come along a little more and it'll be easier, or less costly, or whatever, but as for right now, there's pretty much no chance of me ever having my own kid.

but last night emily and i were talking about how i wanted to fall for living when i was younger. she thought it was weird, and talked about what are normal dream jobs for kids.

which led to me talking about this girl i've watched grow up. she's about 9 now.

when she was three or so we were playing on this dirt mound while our sisters played in a softball tournament. i asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up.

she said a mermaid. and then she busted out into this two to three minute song all about what she would do when she becomes a mermaid.

i told emily this story and she said "you really need to have a kid."

and i laughed and said "nah."

and she said "please have one. you'll be good for the kid and i think having one will make you happy."

things like that.

they're just so different with emily. with the way she treats me. it continually surprises me and makes me feel very lucky.

but i also feel like i don't deserve it.

she can do so much better than me. find someone who is, you know, not friends with their ex. or, at least, friends when we're not yelling at each other.

i'm slightly afraid i'm going to mess things up just because i don't really believe i deserve this. deserve her.

deserve anyone who thinks that me having a kid could not only be plausible, but also could be a really good thing.

deserve anyone who puts up with me when i get in the mood where i don't like to be in groups.

deserve anyone as soft and surprisingly open and beautiful and true as she is.

but she's never told me it's not been worth it.

she's never told me she wants to date someone else.

her parents like me. her sister likes me. her best friend likes me. her cat, dammit, her cat even likes me.

but she's in arizona.