the way her thumb pressed into my skin, massaging the bone.

she says she doesnt want to hurt me.

i want to tell her to stop, then. stop it. the more we go, the longer we are, the more your leaving is going to hurt.

dont dig your fingernails into my back.

dont tell me you want to make me happy.

dont make me laugh.

dont blush when your friends recite a poem about you.

dont let me kiss you.

dont kiss me.

she says, "this is mine. and this is mine. and this is mine." while she touches my back, my side, my leg.

and in my head i say, "for six more days. for six more days. for six more days."

and from my lips i say, "for as long as you want them."

she needs to leave. she needs to end it with me. she needs to go home now. she needs to start new.

but she wants me.

and i feel like i'm eight, again, trying to be strong, again.

standing as tall as i can, puffing my chest out, saying, "if its what you need, leave. if its what you need. do whats best for you."

and she says, "when you get another girlfriend, will you still talk to me?"

and my heart does all that sentimental sappy crap i wish it wouldn't do. that i wish i could say its never done, and will never do again.

but it does it.

and she lays me down on my floor, sits on top of me, touches my collarbone, says, "this is mine."

she kisses my neck and says, "you deserve better."

she says, "you deserve someone who isn't always leaving. you deserve someone who doesn't just come and go."

and i get angry. because she treats me better than anyone else i've been with has. and i tell her this.

all the while, i'm trying to remember how she smells. how her hair curls. how she feels against me. how her voice sounds on the phone. all the noises she makes. how she mimes out certain things when she's thinking.

and she says, "i need a new start. i don't need something this big pulling me back here."

and my heart breaks. as much as i don't want it to, and as much as i sure as hell don't want to admit it because i need to be stronger than all this if i'm going to make it anywhere, it breaks.