the older i get, im afraid, the more my heart wins over my head.

i cant imagine what my wedding would be like. if i have a wedding.

i can't see whether it'll occur in a church or outside or in the middle of a huge warehouse.

i dont know if it'll be a religious ceremony or a simple courthouse one.

but i can see the one im going to marry.

not so much the face, the eyes. not so much her height or weight.

but i know the way i'll go blind from behind my eyes to the front when i look at her.

i know how her hand will slip into mine.

i know my heart will stop.

and i'm terrified.

whether or not she's the right one, i know if i'm there, marrying her, i'll believe with all of me that she is.

and i'm terrified of being wrong. of falling out of love.

of losing her.

of tricking myself into think it's all finally right.

only to find out, years later, that we should've just stayed friends.

i dont know where emily and i could've gone, if she'd stayed in state.

i dont know how long we would've lasted.

but i know how i feel. right now. i know how i feel.

and that's all i have. that's all i've ever had.

once, it fooled me. once, it about killed me.

so when do you know it's right to move across the country? when do you know it's right to leave your family, everything you've ever known, just to follow a chance?

an iffy proposition.

in a year, in two years, i dont know where my heart will be. if i'll be able to sense it in these girls spread out across the united states.

with the girl, who made me who i am. with kim, who gave me so much but broke me.

with emily, who has been nothing short of amazing. who has claimed parts of me no one else has. who says i love you before i do.

in two years, maybe my heart will still be located solidly in arizona.

in two years, maybe she'll let me come to her.

in two years, maybe she'll have met someone else, someone better, someone who gives her something i can't.

in two years, maybe i'll have met someone else.

but, god dammit, i dont want to be sensible. i dont want to wait to see how our feelings are over space and time and distance.

i am a fool by nature, and as such everything in me is screaming to follow her, to go with it as long as possible.

but i've been hurt before, being the fool.

but with emily, it doesn't seem like she can hurt me.

she leaves in seven days.