driving for a few miles.

and then realized, hey. im driving on the wrong side of the road.

i made someone so flustered and frustrated and so wrapped up in being with me that she drove on the wrong side of the road.

of course, this made me cocky.

which, of course, made her laugh. and punch me once.

apparently, when i'm cocky, i make this face. i either nod or shake my head, then grin, and my chin moves up slightly.

i didnt realize i had this face. neither did kim, until emily pointed it out to her and kim was all "yeah... now i see it. i knew crayon did something..."

but now that emily has pointed it out, and she's made me more comfortable with myself and i'm getting cockier, i notice it.

and this face, ah this face makes me feel like i'm a seven year old bragging.

i know my chin goes up because i'm trying to be serious when i'm cocky, trying not to smile and give myself away.

to show i don't mean it.

she told me, today, that i've changed since she's met me. that i've gotten more mature. that i'm learning to let go of things.

she leaves in eight days.

on our third month anniversary.

and im not sleeping well and im not eating as well as i should because i've no appetite right now and she's leaving.

and i havent been able to explain things to her. to let her know that she's incredible.

she kisses me in public, and that blows me away. in the middle of a walmart last night, at 1 in the morning, she kissed me. then asked if i was okay with it.

i said yes, but that it surprises me. im not used to it.

no one ive been with before has been so affectionate with me.

she asked me about kim.

i said kim wasnt comfortable with it. that i remember, once, during an entire weekend, she held my hand once. and it made me happy that she did even that.

emily looked at me. touched my arm. moved my hair out of my face. said, "i dont know what she was thinking." said, "she must be crazy."

and tonight she said, "you deserve better from me. you should be mad at me."

and i want to crack open my head and show her everything, show her the fights with kim, show her my mom agreeing i should be in jail, show her how her loving me the way she does startles me and scares me and doesnt hurt.

it doesnt hurt.

but she thinks i deserve better. she thinks she treats me bad.

and i force her to look me in the eye. i make sure she's looking at me when i tell her i love her. when i tell her that she treats me incredibly well. that i didn't think i would be this happy.

in 8 days she leaves.