listen:

i can't live with what ifs.

i say that. i repeat it in my head.

what ifs, they will kill me.

the wondering, the questioning, the never knowing what could've been, should've been, might've been.

but then there's this question:

if it's meant to be, won't it just work out, anyways?

if, three years from now, if i find myself in arizona, twenty miles from her, and she wants to date me, it'll happen?

god'll find a way.

fate.

destiny.

so which do i go with?

making fate, letting fate guide?

if she asked me to come, i would be there in a year.

but how much of that would be just me being a sentimental, romantic, hopeful fool and how much of that would be me following my heart to something right and strong and good?

when do i start taking chances?

what if this and what if that and what if what if what if.

listen, is what i want to say to her.

listen:

you dont want something this big pulling you back.

fine.

pull me there.

i'm leaving here, soon enough, and you know that. you say it is good for me.

give me something to go to.

if you want it.

but i can't go with the what if.

if, in two years, i still feel for you, and we still talk and there's still something there, i can find a way to you.

i spent all day today with her.

i fell asleep in her bed.

i took a nap as she showered. she moved around the house, cleaning, watching tv, eating lunch.

i slept on my stomach, in her bed, hugging her pillow.

i woke up to her screaming.

at first, i thought it was nothing, i was just hearing things. then i heard her scream, "no!"

and i jumped out of bed. not sure what i would find.

someone in the house, her cat attacking her, something broken.

she was on the couch, in pajamas, hair wet and wrapped in a towel, smelling so good and clean, watching tv.

watching jaws.

she screamed because she gets into her television.

she screamed because she's afraid of sharks.

she saw me standing there, watching her, and blushed.

i love her.

i love the fact she puts up with my bullshit and my smartass, but reacts to it.

she pushed me over in a parking lot, because i was making fun of her.

she pushed me over and i laid on my back as she walked away.

i shouted i love you to her back and she stopped, slumped her shoulders and said okay.

turned around and helped me up.

maybe the world is made up of what ifs.

maybe we're all just supposed to move on with things, move forward.

leave the wondering to late nights when nothing but infomericals are on tv.

planning out choices that could have ended up with kids with her or her or her.

or no kids.

or heartbreak three states away from family, from everything i know, from familiar land with grass and hills that are always around us, always cupping and holding us.

but if i'm left wondering, with this, i'll always think it could've gone forever.

it could've hit the ten year mark, the twenty year.

she needs at least a year.

she needs that space to not feel crowded by me.

i need that time, too.

or she needs to cleanly break my heart right now.

to show me it wouldn't have lasted two years.

time sucks and i'm not patient.

but im damn stubborn.