i am spoken for.

but only momentarially.

catch me at the end of the summer.

then, you see, she'll leave.

she said to me "you'll find something." and then paused. and said "or someone else."

and im warning her, warning her to watch out for me disappointing her.

and she says no, i wont. no, she knows me, she knows i cant disappoint her.

and she sits there saying this and in the back of my head is kim, is me hanging up on kim, is kim hurting me, are all the things my parents said to me when i was younger, is everything i think about myself.

she sits there and i think jesus emily, if you only knew how much better you could do, how much better you deserved.

but, instead, im selfish and greedy and hold onto her, tightly.

i wont give her all of me. i cant afford to give her all of me.

and it hurts like hell.

but i hold onto her.

and she lets me.