i want there to be a point to falling for someone. a point to love.

because, all right, if there is no point, if there's nothing even semi-permanent out there, then why love?

and if there's no reason to love, then why care about anyone, or anything?

and if there is no reason, then why be who i've tried to be for all these years?

instead of giving my heart completely away to a girl who uses me and hurts me, i could just go around having meaningless, protected, flings.

instead of losing my heart and slowly falling for another girl, one who is nicer and more concerned about me and hasnt hurt me, instead of falling slowly because im scared to death of what will happen in august and already hurting, i could just be with her.

instead of helping friends move when i'd rather be sleeping, i could just sleep.

instead of with holding my opinions and thoughts and just doing things for people, i could be honest and not worry about hurting their feelings.

right now i see no point.

i looked at emily tonight and i wanted to say i love you. but i didnt. because i cant.

because then things will get too complicated.

then things will become real and when august comes, and she leaves for arizona, i will be left here without her.

with all these doubts and beliefs in my head i can't prove.

things i should never believe in. because there's nothing solid to know.

nothing to know, to hold in my hands and say this, this is real.

she loves me, i love her, damn the miles and states between, all the hearts that i'd have to move past to finally get to hers again, damn all of that, there is love.

that is not real. i realize.

there is no "one."

there is no point.

but it doesnt fucking explain how we can watch a scary movie and she can bite my arm when she's scared and i can look at her and see her, so damn beautiful without accepting it and i dont deserve her but god dammit it doesnt explain why i care so much.

what's the point, yo?