and i've kind of realized something.

i dont know if i ever really expect to be good enough for anyone i'm with.

i really dont know what i believe anymore, honestly.

and i dont think anyone understands how damn insecure and scared i am right now.

i know emily doesnt.

emily.

she's great, you know?

but even with her i kind of feel like maybe im just a pit stop. a practice run before she moves onto bigger and better things.

but god help me if i can't help but believe her when, we're running late, and i ask her if it's worth it, if she doesn't say yes, every time.

it's worth it.

and i believe her.

but that doesnt mean im not afraid.

i dont know what there is in me to keep someone.

for someone to want to stay.

i just dont know if i have that.

i dont know if ill ever be completely secure that the person with me will always be with me.

even if i'm married to her and we've been together thirty seven years. i'm sure i'll still be waking up early in the morning, wondering why she's still sleeping next to me.

when she will wake up and realize i'm not that good or great.

it's all a matter of time.

i dont know who to talk to about this. who, in my real, every day life, i can sit down and say hey. make this make sense to me.