i had some time to kill while waiting on her to get off of work, and kim saw my hand and laughed. told me i shouldnt punk out.

i think i punked out.

instead of just saying hey, date me. i said other things. worked my courage up by beating around the bush but i beat too far away, i tell you what.

we left, drove for a bit, got some food, tried to find a place to eat, pulled into an empty parking lot and ate, talked.

went back to work to wait for something, i gave her this chapbook of my poetry.

she sat next to me, reading it.

at one point she covered her head and said "this is really personal stuff."

and i just kind of nodded.

later... as in two and a half hours later... i walked her out to her car. many people had mentioned my "dont punk out." in front of her.

by the time i had walked her to her car, i changed it to "dont punk out. maybe." with the don't crossed out.

emily finally asked me about it. kind of. i told her to ask me later, and i'll explain it. she said okay.

then i said ah emily, you're too cool. it makes it hard to be around you.

why? she asked.

because it makes me like you too much. too much emily.

i told her i liked her a lot. and that i wanted to spend more time with her, because i really enjoyed these past two weeks with her.

and she said i baffled her. baffled her because she doesnt know why i think she's so cool, why i like her so much.

and i just wanted to kiss her.

i wanted to kiss her all night, to be honest about it.

there was a moment where we were both slouched in our seats, making jokes, and i looked over at her and she was smiling and i kept thinking hold my hand emily, just hold my hand.

but of course it didn't happen.

and then i walked her to her car and she rolled the window down after twenty minutes of me stalling her leaving.

i said i wish you didnt have to leave. i wanted to continue by saying i wish i could take you home with me.

i wanted to lean in through her window and ask her to close her eyes and touch her cheek and feel her lips.

but i didnt.

i punked out.

but i opened the door.

we work together wednesday.

and im going to maybe go through the door.

maybe ask her what it would take to convince her to go on an official date with me.

if she would even want that, maybe.

and she says i baffle her.

but there was this moment, tonight. when i was telling her a story, explaining something else. i finished the story and looked up at her, and she was looking at me, smiling a little, because what i said made her happy, a little.

there were other moments, too. where i would say something, and she would laugh, a little. a chuckle.

but i didnt officially ask her out.

i didnt officially do anything. other than punk out.

but i got closer.

and i guess that's important.