i said i wouldnt. she asked me how i knew, and was expecting me to just answer "because." or, at least, she was hoping i would, because i don't ever let her get away with answering a question with that.

i was quiet and she said "oh no, you're really going to give me an answer."

"i don't see anything in you that i'm going to one day hate."

"you just haven't seen that part yet."

"how well do you think i know you right now."

"ah. better than a lot of other people, actually. you know a lot about me."

"because you trust me."

"yes."

"why?"

"there's.... okay, let me put this in tv terms: there's just this something... unname-able quality about you."

i kept almost telling her i liked her. but then i would chicken out. and so i hinted around it.

she has no clue, i think, that i could possibly like her. i dont think it's even crossed her mind, if only because she doesn't see why i would like "someone like her."

which is such bullshit, and i've told her as much.

she found out two of my secrets, tonight.

one of which isnt that much of a secret, to those who know me fairly well.

it is this:

i fake a lot of my confidence. i pretend like i know what im doing.

and that surprised her. a lot.

because im an amazing faker.

she has this smell to her. and i keep catching it, and i can't ever tell if it's laundry detergent smell of it's just her, natural, or if it's perfume.

at one point tonight we were sitting on a couch eating ice cream out of a container and i just kind of blurted out "do you wear perfume or what?"

"yeah. i do. why?"

"because it smells really good."

and it does.

then, a little while later, i told her i liked her laugh.

she said "don't say that. you're going to make me self conscious and i'm going to start laughing weirdly."

and then i told her a string of stories about myself that made her just laugh harder and harder because of the images i was giving her, and then i was just "yeah. i really like making you laugh."

"shut up."

oh, on a completely unrelated note:

i took my sister out with me today, and we stopped by the dollar tree, where they had these ribbons up for little kids. stuff like "potty trained!" and "great effort!" and what not. so i decided to buy one and hang it in my car.

i almost got the potty trained one.

instead, i got the "i can dress myself!" ribbon. with a penguin on it. thats wearing a bow tie.

i have also decided a new side-career move for me:

im going to make these ribbons in the same veins for cars. but they'll also double as air fresheners.

and i think i'll have a line of 'i've been potty trained!' ribbons.

stuff like "i'm number one at number two!" with a picture of a little kid on a toilet all smiles and such.

i mean, why not express pride in your skills while also ensuring a nice vanilla scent to your car's interior? really. cmon now.

back to the date-that-wasnt:

it went well, all in all. once we were actually in my car, i wasnt as nervous as i thought i'd be. mainly because i gave her the gift and she laughed and loved it.

also:

we are going out, again, on a not-date, wednesday.

somehow, somehow it's going to get back to her that i dig her.

and i'm hoping that it does, and we talk about it and im all cool with it and say "well, yeah. duh stupid head."

and win her love and affections.

or something more like "well. yes. you're someone i would date and would thoroughly enjoy dating and you smell good and look pretty and are shiny in a good non-oily-face way."

bah.

bah bah bah.

the people i want to talk to i can't. dammit. not until late tomorrow.

dammit.

damdamdammit.

but. yeah. fun was had. laughter shared. she smiled a lot. hid her face some, too, cause i complimented her and she was happy.