as soon as i wake up, more often than not, they're gone.

i dont even know if im really dreaming these days.

i keep thinking about how i've fallen. down, out. away.

im missing something.

i havent been to a really good church service in a while.

not that im religious. im not.

but there's something about the simplicity faith can bring something that's calming. that fills me.

i keep thinking about all the churches ive been to. the ladybug church. the small black church outside of atlanta. my grandmother's church.

i dont know if all of this is interconnected. if my dreams, my falling, my wanting to see faith, again, if it's all connected.

it could be.

it could, however, just be a sign that i need to slow down a little. that i need to relax some more. that i need to let go of certain things.

kim called me tuesday and asked me for a favor. she got as close to apologizing to me for tuesday as she probably ever will.

we were talking about something, and she said she wanted to go, and i said saturday she told me she didnt want to go with me.

then she said "saturday you were evil."

"what?"

"i was evil, too."

"yeah, kim. but it's all my fault. i'm glad i learned that."

"no."

"yeah, it is. it's a good thing i know now. kristen and i joke about it, but at least i know that i'm fated to this. everything's my fault."

kim went on a date friday. with this guy i've heard a little bit about. with this guy i don't approve of. for anyone, much less kim. much less to come after me.

rebekah knows him, too. and she doesnt like him, either.

i want kim to date someone so much better than i am that i can look at them together and say... yeah. that makes sense. good job.

not someone who i can look at and think... why the hell did she leave me for that?

shes going to get herself hurt, if shes not careful, with this guy.

and i guess at this point i shouldnt care if kim gets hurt by someone shes dating. i shouldnt be warning her. i shouldnt have other people warning her.

and maybe all of this is connected.

maybe everything in the world is connected.