earlier in the evening two of my friends had talked about how i'm too soft. how i let my heart open too easily. im too much of a pushover.

i think my limit was reached tonight.

and do you know how far a damn soft heart like mine has to go before the equation between keeping her happy and my well being tips in favor of my well being?

the scales arent ever tipped permanently. give me an hour and call me up and say meet me here, i need to talk to you, and ill go. ill be there.

because my heart recovers. and, for a while again, it becomes more important to keep her happy.

it happened tonight.

i sat in the car, calling kim selfish. asking her when the last time she did something nice for someone else was. when she did something she didnt want to just for someone else.

her answers to my questions just further proved my point, in my head. further tipped it more toward the safety of my heart.

i got her to finally say she was sorry about the whole "you used to tell me you didnt deserve me. that i could find someone better. so i dont know why it surprises you that i left you." comment. she said that she feels guilty enough about it. "but could you stop bringing it up now?"

that fucking comment shattered every belief i had grown in my head about the goodness of who i was. it hurt me. but, of course, i wont ever mention it, ever again, because you feel guilty about it.

no.

she said, after i was telling her off, that "it's not that great having your faults listed. thanks."

i laughed at her, then. said "yeah, you've had some pretty low blows yourself, kim."

kim's whining made a friend of ours walk out of a restuarant.

i called the friend up, after kim and i had fought. after i had sent kim a voice mail telling her i wont talk to her anymore, less she speaks to me first.

i called my friend up and apologized.

i told her what kim had said in the car. how it was all my fault (because it always is. fuck me for remembering the promise i made to kim to always be friends with her, no matter what. fuck my heart for always wanting to make sure she's okay. fuck my concern over the little things, it's always my fault).

my friend said it wasnt my fault, at all.

and that she'll back me up on this one.

no ones backed me up, yet. no one who knows both kim and i.

because i dont tell my side of the story.

but now, she's seen it. she's seen her and me.

and it wasnt my fault, she says.

im not crazy. im not mean or selfish or needy. im not anything everyone thinks i am.

and the boundaries were crossed.

kim won't ever find anyone like me. she wont ever find anyone as stupid as me. as blind. someone who goes by heart before head.

she'll never have anyone else who would've killed themselves for her. who did kill some parts of themselves.