she said no.

i assumed she meant no.

she called me tonight. and that weird sadness was in her voice. so i did what i do. i talked to her about it. asked her about it. got her to talk.

but she wasnt talking about it. she talked around it, talked of other things.

bout ten minutes into it, she asked me how i was, how my day was. i told her about it, then told her that i worried about her being sad. that i wanted her to know that if she needs me ill always be there for her.

she wouldnt really comment one way or another. almost as if she didnt believe me.

then i asked her why she was in this mood. and all she would say was that she was just thinking.

i have vague ideas on what i think shes thinking about. i have some minor hopes as to what shes thinking about, minor fears.

i think she's thinking about this other guy she likes. this same guy who, two weeks ago she said she doesnt see him ever comparing to me. go figure.

and im afraid she might be a little sad because i'm not really hiding my interest in emily from her. im thinking, sometime this weekend, of asking emily to do something with me. not a date, but a date, but not really, and its all confusing and i want to take it incredibly slow but at the same time, i want to talk to emily tomorrow. i wanted to talk to her today. i wanted to know what she was thinking. if she would make some kind of shy comment about this or that.

but at the same time, she probably doesnt like me.

which is why i said that to kim. the whole i'll be there if you need me bit. i dont want her afraid of losing what i offer her just because there's someone else.

friends are friends are friends. kim's hurt me and is probably using me somewhat right now, but i made a promise to kim.

and i would hate myself before i ever let her down.

i am really tired right now, by the way.

i headed a panel discussion and it went pretty well. everyone on the panel had a sense of humor, and i made a comment that could've fallen incredibly flat, but a panelist caught it and had the audience laughing.

man, that tiredness just really hit me all of a sudden.

i want a dog.

i almost got one, tuesday. little terrier. man, i want a dog.

one day, some day, soon.

and i shall name him cheese.

cept probably not.

going to bed now.

just to let you fine, fine people know:

i am naked right now. in some parts of the country, im actually nekkid. but those are the parts we dont speak of much.

for good reason.

bedtime.

yall dream lusty dreams of me.

i know i will! woo!