some idiot set off fire extinguishers, that took me two hours to clean up. cut my damn hand where my thumb meets the palm.

then everything else happened.

kim and i were doing okay. then she got weird on me.

i spent a lot of the evening talking with emily.

still dont really know if there might be a chance there or not. i hope there is. she talked with me about soylent green. that's pretty damn cool.

kim got sad near the end of the night, so i got confused and i didnt know what to do to not make her sad and i really wanted to give all my attention to emily but i didnt and then kim left. then i talked with emily, and she left.

then i talked to kristen. i told her some stuff that i havent told anyone at work. about kims reasons for breaking up with me. about stuff kim has said to me.

i hadnt realized, until kristen and i talked, how skewed things are.

i dont talk at work about kim and i. unless its to say she's frustrating me and i just want to be friends with her, thats all im trying for. and when people ask me why, i say because kim is a good person.

crazy, but good.

tonight i found out kim talks about it more than i do.

that kristen didnt know i dont want to date kim right now, if ever again.

fuck, i dont know.

kim has told kristen that she hopes i dont go to her graduation. what the hell, eh. what the hell.

i think kristen saw a different side of things tonight. especially when i told her about her wanting to have kids as a reason for breaking up with me and other stuff kims said.

kristen thinks shes using me. that its a game to her, to see how far she could push me and then bring me back. that kim doesnt know what she would really do if i left. that she would be happy at first, or pretend to be, but then start missing me.

kristen thinks kim is immature.

and all this is making me feel a little better, because kim goes to kristen to talk, sometimes. and if kristen thinks kim is using me, then im not crazy.

i dont know.

and then there's emily. who im starting to really like. who makes me laugh, who is quiet and kind. who looks me in the eyes and smiles.

sunday she wouldnt answer my what are you thinking about right now questions. i claimed she sucked at that game.

today she answered the question every time i asked it.

why does kim have to be such a fucking big part of everything? why does she have to be cool for three hours, then get sad and not tell me why?

why do i have to notice her fingers have been bitten and ripped at and are red, so she's been worrying about something?

why did she have to say i was mean tonight, and then say she was just kidding, when i really wanted to know if we had a good night?

i dont know.

kristen doesnt know.

no one knows.