the evening was a rough one. pretty much because i made it hard, but also because im not as happy with things as i want to be.

last night the other assistant manager left some stock out. the stock got stolen. i was pissed because i knew that, if i had left it out, i would've been in a lot of trouble, a lot.

i was told that the stock got to work at at least 7, if not earlier.

there was very little excuse for it not being put up. at least not the stuff THAT WOULD BE STOLEN.

when my boss called me, the first time, to the office, to tell me stuff i've done wrong, she said "did you hear about last night?" and i said "yes. and i hope he got in trouble for it." which she wasnt expecting, i think. she asked why, and i said there's no excuse for it not being put up. and because i knew he told her the stock came in late (bullshit) i said "ive been told by a few people that it was in at 7. there's no excuse." and i walked out of the office.

tonight we talked. my boss and i. and things have been rough between the two of us because, every single day this week, she's called me to tell me another thing i've done wrong. and not even big stuff, little stuff like i handed out something from the office i thought was trash.

she said, tonight, in the middle of a point she was making, "im really hard on the people i think who could be good, or amazing." and later, she said "that's why i stay on you so much. because i know you're a good manager."

i have employees who will quit when i leave. i have employees who want me to stay, even though they'll be leaving soon.

am i good manager? i dont know.

i know i handle the employees well. im friends with pretty much all of them, and i've helped a lot of them out over the last few years.

customers get to me, every now and then. because, well, sometimes customers are ass bastards and treat my employees badly.

then there are those customers who love me, for whatever reason.

i cant be harsh to the kids who come in. i have two girls who come in who everyone else wanted to kill one night. i talked to them, told them about respect and how it'll get them a lot more out of everyone then complete bitchiness. the next time they came in, everyone grumbled, but they ran right up to me and said we'll be good, we promise. and they were.

i know my building. i know it fairly well.

i know the stock.

i know most of the computer work. i know a lot of the paper work.

i've put a lot of my own money into that place. a lot of my time, a lot of my heart.

more of my heart than was safe.

and i keep thinking, okay. today's the day. everythings going to change.

and im going to say it again.

saturday. things will change.

im going to do some different things.

im going to try, harder, to get more of my stuff published.

im going to try to ignore the fact that 17% of the customers who come in are asses.

im going to go visit my sister's grave.

im going to work with various employees.

i have one girl, she's good, but she's frustrated with herself. she's new, only been there a few weeks, and feels like she's not good enough yet. so im going to work next to her, watch her, give her little hints.

and im going to let kim go.

she's never going to find someone like me. never.

most people are smarter than me, you see.

and she'll realize it, one day.

and i'll realize something, too.

but she's gone, now.

ill work for the friendship, but if she's not going to, as much as it'll fucking hurt, then that's her damn loss.

i cant give her much more than i have.

when we were talking, my manager and i, i suggested promoting kim. because kim deserves it. and the more i think about it, the more i realize she'd probably be really good at it.

need to talk to her about it, i guess. see if she wants me to push for it.

there was this kid today, who came up to me and asked for something, and i said no. just flat out told her no. and she stared at me for a minute and i began to grin and she said you're kidding, arent you? and i laughed and said yeah. she came back up to me two other times, and the last time i said you again, man. stay away. and she was grinning.

kids.