i dressed up for it. even shaved.

i got a bunch of comments. a bunch. including the fact that i looked good.

well. duh.

heh.

it was probably the best wedding i've ever been to. the two people who were getting married are... very much in love, very much together, and it's such a good thing to see.

but it's also kind of disheartening.

we went to the reception, a bunch of my friends. i got a picture taken with one of them with my polaroid because everyone at work wants to see me dressed up.

the picture ended up making us look like we were getting married.

so, one thing led to another, and we decided to play a huge joke on people monday.

jennifer, another friend, took polaroids of us near the cake, of us dancing our first dance.

we got so into this joke that, after the reception, we went to wallmart and bought wedding bands.

we had pictures taken of our hands.

showing off the rings, and such.

polaroids are great. great.

i keep wearing the band. and its startling how much i notice it.

this, combined with the talk i had with kim last night, doesnt really mix well together.

everyone asks me why i let her get to me so much.

i honestly dont have a good reason.

what it comes down to is whether or not what i feel is what i should believe in.

when the groom, tonight, was giving his speech, he said, "when i saw her, i knew she would change my life. i just didnt know how."

i can still remember the moment i saw kim. i can still remember what i felt when i saw her, and how everything stopped.

and it sounds incredibly cheesy and sappy even to me.

but it happened. and she has changed my life. and i just wish i knew that our part together was over. it was done. we're now supposed to be friends. one day ill see her in the delivery room, and the child won't be mine, but the child will still be incredibly beautiful, just because he, or she, is hers.

there are things that i know need to happen, before anything else, more than friends, can happen between kim and i.

if there is another shot at that. and we talked about it last night, and there's very little stopping it from happening again.

i'm coming to peace, deep through, with some things that happened. with some of the stuff she's said to me. and it helps to know that she's just as afraid as i am that there won't be someone who comes along that makes us happy as when we were together.

she told me last night that she didnt know if she could find happiness greater than what it was with me, because she never knew that kind of happiness until me.

i dont know if i should listen when everyone tells me to forget about her, to ignore her forever.

because there's this bit in me, buried not so deep inside that's saying hope.

one day, hopefully, i'll be wearing a real wedding band.

i'll be sitting here, typing away late at night, and she'll come up behind me and scratch my head.

my wife.

my wife.

and who's to say who it will be. kim or someone i havent met or someone i have met.

why does this all have to be so confusing eh.