but she did. and does, still, i guess.

i want to tell you, all of you, of how we talked about children, and how it's important to both of us, but she still doesn't think it can work with me.

i want to tell you about how we both know we cant date each other again unless she's sure about it.

and how when i asked her if i made her happy, she said yes. without hesitating. because i did. i made her happy.

and how when i asked her if she thought she could find someone who made her as happy as i did, she said she didnt know, she never knew happiness like that before me.

i want to tell you about how, as she was leaving, she hugged me.

she hugged me, yo. get that: i didn't prompt her to (though i was going to, i'll admit it.), and it's been a long time since we hugged.

i wish you all could understand how it felt to hold her again, even briefly.

i drove back here, an hours drive, at two in the morning. there is a wedding tomorrow i'm going to.

im sitting on my bed, about to go to sleep.

i don't know what's going on anymore. i say that often. it's a mantra, of sorts. as long as i don't know, i can't see the inevitable.

i don't know if one day, years down the road, we'll get back together.

i don't know if, years down the road, if she wants to get back with me, if i'll want her.

i dont know if sunday she'll call me and we'll argue.

and people, a lot of people, ask me why i let her get to me so much.

and i don't answer them.

but its because, even though there are those big blow out moments between us where all we do is fight until someone has to walk away for safety, there are those moments where it's just us, talking. and where there's this flash of hope for something better than what we are now. for a stronger friendship.

and thats why she gets to me so much. because im still fighting for that friendship.

p.s.:

three of us were walking down the sidewalk to my car, late evening yesterday. all of a sudden there was a boom. the ground shake. there was another boom.

this wouldnt worry any of the three of us much, normally, and it didnt really bother us yesterday either, except that we live fairly close to what was, at one point and may still be, the largest military base in the united states.

more booms continued to happen, and one of us made a half joke about finally being bombed.