im in a nice constant state of perpetual nausea.

every now and again it's to the point where i'm half afraid to go into a bathroom because i might just throw up.

i did throw up earlier. twice.

but, really, no one wants to hear about that, or how i've been really tired or how my bones feel slightly disjointed.

i'm going to call out of the nonpaying work today so as to go shopping for maybe a chair and a bookcase with money i don't have.

kim called me, last night. i pulled off the interstate to talk to her.

i dont really know whats going on anymore. she says she doesnt want to be friends right now, but she can't give me any reason why, she doesn't know whats stopping her from being friends with me.

we yelled at each other a little bit.

in the middle of it, i made her laugh slightly.

i told her that she wont find many people in her life who will do what i'm doing, who will put up with all this shit and still be willing to quit their job to try to help their friendship. i told her she better hold on to it.

i told her that i dont know if she ignores things because thats how she's always been, if she's waiting for someone else to fix things, or if she's always had someone there to tell her it'll be okay. i told her she needs to stop ignoring whatever she's ignoring.

for once, i'm finally starting to stand up for myself. im starting to tell her that i deserve better than this, especially from her.

but underneath it all, i'm a fucker sucker. that's who i am.

and so i believe that there's still the seed of a decent friendship between us. i believe it because there are long moments where we're making each other laugh or she calls me up and i know something's wrong and i get her to talk to me about it and she cries and then is okay.

but maybe im just believing this because she has a part of my heart, and i just like knowing where all of my heart is at any given moment.

and maybe i should just get used to the idea of having part of my heart lost for a good long time.