i started thinking. i want to go somewhere. i always want to go somewhere.

but maybe if i go somewhere, far away enough, i'll get to have that distance from all the situations here.

time to think and clear up my head and my heart.

because, honestly, just between you and me:

i still want her.

in my dream last night, i swam up from the bottom, got out of the water, and walked toward her, dripping.

she was standing with her back to me, making plans for her wedding.

she had decided that in two weeks she was going to get married.

in my head i was thinking of who she was dating, of what she was doing. thinking maybe it was me.

i wrapped my arms from behind her, to test her. to see how comfortable she was with that.

she didn't shrug me off.

i kissed her through this soft blue shirt i gave her of mine a long time ago.

just rested my head there.

honestly:

i am doing okay. better than i have been in the last few months.

i have been focused on the idea that this is just a crush.

that someone else will come along and i'll get a crush on them.

that this was just a taste of what the "real thing" will be. if there is that.

which, deep in me, i do believe.

that somewhere, not so far out there, is this woman, this amazingly beautiful woman who aint half bad looking neither, who's waiting for me to grow up, move on, and find her picking up the last box of cocoa puffs.

lately i have been facing a lot of stuff i didnt think i'd have to face until i was a bit older, a bit more settled. a bit more ready to make these decisions.

and im learning to be patient.

but i tell you, time sucks.

when you want more of it, you cant get it. when you want less of it, it stretches out to eternity.

this whole world has a giant sense of humor.

how could it not?