spent about three hours shovelling my work's parking lot. manager finally yelled at me, made me come in.

body's finally feeling it. in the palms, shoulders.

such.

kim came in. i waited for her. of course. gave her her gift.

didn't go over well.

so now the gift's in my trash can.

dont know what else to do with it.

left work. told her "im not really feeling like i'm wanted here."

and she didn't disagree.

so i left.

and i really... i dont know.

i'm going to wait to see if she calls me to see if i got home okay.

my guess is she won't.

my guess is she won't contact me in any way until tomorrow, when we work together again.

she's not a very good friend sometimes.

guess i'm not either.

but there's nothing i can do anymore.

and that's the fucking hardest feeling in the world.

feeling like i'm not good enough, like i'm not worth it, like i could bend over backwards and... and it all has to be on her schedule.

i have to be a friend when she wants a friend. i have to be more than that when she wants more than that.

i can't cuddle with her, but she can lay on me whenever she wants.

i'm fucking losing my heart here and once it's gone, i dont know what i'm going to do.

somewhere out there there's this girl, right? and she's great. she'll go out of her way to do little stuff for me. like get me dinner. cause she knows im hungry.

she likes dogs and she'll hold my hand in public and she thinks i'm worth it.

cause, you know, im a good person.

somewhere, right?

and i guess i just really thought she was kim. and there are moments where she is kim, great moments where i can just fucking hug her and there's nothing there. no hard thoughts or weird feelings and i know she's not trying to pull away.

but im thinking im really imagining more and more of those moments.

and i'm thinking maybe i'm not that good of a person.

and i'm thinking i really want to be worth it, to someone.

and i'm thinking i don't really know if i can keep opening up to people and keep hurting this way.

and i'm so scared of shutting down. but it's happening. and i dont it want it to.

but it's happening.

and why do i have to be like this?

why cant i be the person i want to be?

if i'm going to give up, cant i just fucking go ahead and do it?

i dont want this hope anymore.

i dont need it.

it's useless.

and this is pathetic and i apologize.