i walked outside, into the cold, in a dress shirt, no jacket, and just walked through the parking lot.

kim was leaving at the same time, which is part of the reason i was snapping.

because that's what i did.

i looked behind me, at all the customers, i looked to the right, to kim leaving, and something in my head just snapped, and i couldn't handle it. so i just turned and walked out.

she yelled for me.

and i stopped. otherwise, i might not have.

and i was crying. god damn it, for the first time in front of her, i was crying.

not sobbing. just big fat warm tears that rolled down my cheeks.

she said "what's the matter?"

and i shrugged.

"what's the matter?"

i shrugged.

"come here."

so i walked to her. and she hugged me.

and i cried into her shoulder.

she made me get into her car. i sat in the passenger seat. i've never felt so awkward, all limbs, in her car before.

tears were going down and she sat there. quiet. not sure what to say, what to ask, what the hell was happening.

the one time i looked into her eyes while i was in her car with her, the one time, they were soft.

that was the only time all night she looked at me with soft eyes.

and i'm breaking. i can feel it. i can tell it when i lay down to sleep. the visions showing on my eyelids in the dark. i can tell it when i try to write, try to figure out what to say and find a million different stories, feelings, views going down inside.

one moment i feel this way about our situation. the next moment, i feel another way. i can be strong, i can be strong icanbestrong.

it runs together and i imagine being the friend she needs, i set about it, then falter and break.

i can imagine winning her over with a smile and a story.

i can imagine a million different situations with a million different endings.

and when im there, in front of her, it stops.

i can't tell her what i need to tell her.

i can't say anything.

i can't speak.

and my heart grows and my heart explodes and i'm empty and what the hell do you do about this?

it's at the point where i'm realizing i probably won't ever date her again, won't ever kiss her again.

and it's at the point where i'm realizing she probably pities me right now far more than anyone should.

things should change.

i don't know.

im just tired of breaking.

im just tired.

and it's all repitive and it's all cliche and it's all been done before.

so you move on.

and i move on.

i'm getting on.