i was the third pregnancy for my mom. the first two ended in miscarriage.

in the days before i was told that i couldn't hug my mom, i was told that i was special, because i was the one who finally made my mom and my dad a family.

my mom and i don't talk. for various reasons.

mainly it's my fault. i can't forgive, i can't forget.

i didn't know she had taken up smoking again, until three months after. i was the last one to know.

i hope, though, that when the results come back from her ultrasound, they'll let me know.