feel all of my knuckles connect solidly with the concrete walls im surrounded by.

i get pissy. i get disappointed. i want things to be different, but they're not.

and they won't be, not for a while.

and i know she's doing all she can.

and that's all she really can do, under the circumstances.

hell, i know she's doing a lot she probably shouldn't be.

but it still doesnt change the fact i want things to be different.

i want her to understand that i cant always break everything to be there.

last weekend it was raining. storming. bad. tornado warnings, watches, all this.

i had spent the night before with her. i wanted to see her, because i wouldnt see her for a week. and i didnt want her to think i was using her, at all.

so i finally got time at work to see her. i had no umbrella. i was told it had started to hail.

i walked to my car. i got soaked. i got hit once or twice by hail, i think. drove to where she was, so slowly, and afraid the brakes wouldnt work when i needed them to. the hail hit the car.

i got there, and she wasnt there. i waited around 20 minutes. she wasnt there.

i left.

saw her later on, for about ten minutes.

and there are times when we're supposed to meet. there was one time, in particular, where she forgot about me.

and so, yeah. i just wish i could have more damn time with her.

right now im going to go. lay down a bit. maybe work on my story or my play. probably not. probably just lay down and think way too much.

ah damn. tomorrow i've got to give a reading of some of my stuff. i dont really want to.