i said "they should just make a movie with a drunk french monkey. i would watch that."

because, yeah, i will. drunk french monkeys make me laugh.

she laughed. and then she said "actually, no. that would be stupid."

which is why, now, i will always love her.

we discussed drunk french monkey movie for a few more minutes. i explained it had to have a plot.

"not just a drunk french monkey stumbling around."

however, honestly, i could probably watch a movie set in some kind of small cafe where a drunk french monkey, cigarette perched on the edge of an ashtray, rambling to an unseen friend.

the camera would never go to this friend. the most it would move would be to the cigrarette, which goes untouched, and to the monkeys bottle of 40.

or whatever drunk french monkeys drink.

the monkey would talk about life, love, friendship. death. creativity.

i just finished talking to the girl. really talking to her.

she tells me she doesnt feel like ive asked much from her at all.

that i could never ask too much.

that she is trying. she promises.

"and i wanna help you get out of whatever this is, cause it just hurts to see you twisting this way you know?"

the last few nights, in my dreams, i have been left sobbing or just crying.

i tell her the best thing she could do for me is to take care of herself. that she knows this. and she does know this.

"that's not enough for me."

she says.

then she leaves to sleep, with a promise of trying to talk tomorrow.

im going to be watching my eye the next few days.

ha, get it? watching? eyes?

how clever of me.

however, the reason is that there is something irritating my eye. and i looked and looked all around, but the only thing i can put a finger on is this weird dot on my iris. i can touch it (hence the wickedly clever use of "i can put a finger on"), but it doesnt move.

so i dont actually think its that.

this is going to be one hell of a long entry, but i have one more thing i would like to address.

val:

i do not drink. im pretty set against drinking. except when i in a really maudlin mood.

by the way, i just looked maudlin up, to make sure it is what i thought it is. it is also defined as drunk to the point of sillyness. how apt then, eh?

when im in that mood i am prone to wishing i hadnt made promises, that i wish i could just get flat stinking drunk, so i could go to people and talk. tell them everything.

which really should read:

so i could go to the girl and ramble about how i love her. and everything.

so you are right. i am probably a slobbering sappy drunk. i would probably talk your ear off, about this girl and that and how i need love.

or how i need some loving.

either that, i would become a real mean drunk. reclusive and quiet. with a quick fuse and short temper.

secretly, yo, i am a mean bitter half drunk 60 year old man to begin with.

dont pour your love out on me baby.

just lay me down cry for a hundred years.