never got out of the car.

pulled into a park, thinking i might get out and lay down for a while, but i turned right around when i saw a cop car at the other end of the parking lot.

i drove by my grandmothers, making sure no lights were on and she was, in theory, asleep.

i drove looking at places for jobs, i drove seeing which places were open period.

my cat missed me.

im back and i am tired.

i have no stories to tell, no revelations about the night.

i work in 8 hours. then i work for 7 hours. then i dont know what i will do.

quite possibly i will end up working 12 hours.

then maybe i will come back home and sleep.

probably not.

probably i will come back and stay awake until early morning, like now, again.

my nose hurts.

this doesnt really relate to anything i said. i just touched it, and it hurt. so i shared.

as long as i am sharing i will tell you that i was in the shower this afternoon, before work, and almost threw up.

but i didnt.

there really is nothing to worry about there, even if i try to make it sound as such.

i am sleepy and my cat is too and because of that my cat is mad at me for keeping us (maybe just him) awake.

in the silence the sounds of heart breaking are clear. but it is in the words yelled or softly spoken or just muttered that the weapons are drawn and the damage down.

what a piece of literary trash that sentence was.

i have images of my funeral. of people getting up to speak.

the first woman is the one i spent my years with. she says "i always knew crayon had two loves. the girl and i. there are times where i hated crayon for it, but i always knew crayon hated it too, felt it wasnt fair. then again, that was the thing. crayon was always finding something to fall in love with in someone."

and i imagine the second woman is the girl. she will say "the one thing i was always sure of, through all this, through my years and crayons years, was that i was loved. it wasnt easy, it wasnt hard, it just was. and i was just loved."

but then again i am a dreamer.

a dreamer a baker a candlestick maker.

if you are come in.

come in.