i was informed, tonight, that others were upset or jealous about how the girl talks to me. how she even talks to me.

see. ok. it is like this.

the girl cant be with me for reason a. however, along comes another person with reason a. and the girl ends up being attracted to a.p. (another person. how wickledly clever of me.) and then goes through this thing of not telling me for fear of it being a slap to the face for me.

which it was, but only after i let it be absorbed into me. i still sometimes think about that, about what she said to me while we were discussing my "crush" on her.

i am special, that there will be no one like me ever in her life, that if reason a didnt exist she would have snatched me up.

i dont know how to factor that into the a.p. equation.

but thats not what i want to talk about.

a.p., because a.p. has sense and can see, is attracted to the girl, as well. so there is mutual attraction between a.p. and the girl.

but the girl is confused. because of me, because of herself, because of other things i will not bring up.

and so nothing (as far as im aware, but im not aware of a lot, because the girl is quiet about it with me. doesnt want to hurt me anymore than is needed, right?) happened.

a.p. and the girl are friends. a.p. and the friend are friends. they all talk. or so i had thought.

but, yes, they talk a little. and come to find out, tonight, that a.p. wishes that the girl would talk to her like she talks to me.

i am big enough to admit this sort of made me kind of happy. because i won. because i am petty like that.

so the friend and i talked tonight. about the girl, how the girl is, how she handles things, how it is frustrating for my friend.

the girl can talk about things to a point. then she leaves. says fuck it. or i cant handle this. and leaves. and this annoys the shit out of the friend.

and i guess it is more so for people outside of me.

the friend thinks that the girl doesnt explain somethings because i would understand, and if i would understand theres no need to explain.

the thing about it all, all this, is that i wanted to be with the girl after i learned everything i learned tonight.

ive sat here imagining that everyone else is getting the best of her, that they are getting her attention, her time, her words and thoughts.

but its not so.

im the one getting everything.

everything that the girl is willing to give, that is.

and that makes me incredibly sad, because now, now. now for the first time i realize how alone she is.