the women crayon has fallen for, in chronological order.

jennifer. jenni. jen. the longer i knew her, the shorter her name got. the first girl i ever looked at and was just... bam.

went to school with her two years. made her laugh a lot. still have the two drawings she did for me. i see her maybe once a year, still. every year i see her, my crush dies a little more. every year i see her there is a brief flair up of what i must honestly say is lust.

last year i was walking in the mall, looked into a store, i see a girl working. shaven hair, dyed pink. i saw her back and knew it was jennifer. jenni. jen.

she told me i didnt change at all. neither had she, even with the piercings and everything else.

i miss her friendship.

malea.

a younger lady. first my sister's friend, and heard many stories of how i was an ass. thought i was mean and aloof, but then met me. became good friends.

i could pick her out in a crowd a good distance away. it was in the way she walked, the way she lifted her feet. unlike anyone i had ever seen, have ever seen. i havent been around her in at least 5 years, but i think i could still spot her.

we were once together, she grabbed my hand. we were laying near each other, i on a bed, she on a seat next to the bed. the room was crowded, a parent or two here or there. but all i really remember is how she swung my hand back and forth, letting it hit her leg.

the girl.

the girl. who deserves a name yet will remain nameless. the girl who still pulls at me, but only partly because i believe she should still pull at me.

the best thing to happen in my life, without question.

first person to show me unconditional love. first person i would accept that from. first person i felt it for.

she has hurt me, i have hurt her.

but she loves me, and that is enough to keep me moving until we both get through this period we are sitting in.

i fell hard for her. i finally told her. she told me it was the idea of her i was in love with, not her. i told her i thought part of that was true, but that she under sold herself a great deal. a huge part of being in love with her was her.

i dont think she sees that to this day.

she told me that, if that one trait was different about me, she would have snatched me up a long time ago.

i knew she would say that.

she met someone with that trait. she is attracted to that person. she is confused.

it has put a little strain on our relationship. she didnt tell me, at first, because she thought it would be a slap in my face. it wasnt. not for a while. then i thought about it.

and it was.

i love her still. i dont know if i am in love with her. i dont think i am. im pretty sure im not.

sometimes i wonder if it was the right thing, telling her i had fallen for her.

i try not to think about it.

kat.

it was a minor attraction, on my part, for a while. then she moved it into a major attraction, either knowingly or unknowingly.

sometimes im pretty damn sure it was knowingly. and during those times, i dont like her.

but other times i think she did it because she doesnt realize shes doing it. shes done it for so long, kept people's attentions and affections by being that way, its second nature. and during those times, i worry about her.

she confused, confuses, me a lot. i thought there was something mutual there, for a bit, but she continues to back away and go to guys who are asses.

and thats been that.

four girls who have gathered in bits of my heart. one still has a chunk of it. always will.

which leads me to now.

this new girl. dating, unavailable. who i want to really know and really become friends with. but who i can see myself getting wrapped up in, if i dont watch it.

and she is so innocent to what she is doing to me. so i think i will back away from her.

and then there is the friend. friend of friends. who likes to remind me, constantly, that i passed up my chance with her. i did not see it, you see. not until it was too late and she was in a serious relationship.

still is, same one. over a year now.

it is dangerous territory we walk. i dont know what would happen if they broke up. i dont know, if they broke up, how much of it would be because of me.

the girl asked the friend, if things were different, would she be with me. the friend said most likely, yes. i think the girl is not used to other girls telling her they would have me.

im not used to girls telling me they would have me.

i need to do some reading, so i will now leave.