i never lost anything i ever missed, but ive never been in love like this. its out of my hands.

im shameless.

on a brooks kick, what can i say.

while handling all these mixed up feelings for the girl i found someone else i was really attracted to.

yes, at first it was physical, i'll say that much. she, to me, exudes this sexuality. and she seemed to be directing a little of that to me, which flattered me and drew me in.

a friend of mine has aptly named her a "trap door spider."

we became friends, this trap door spider and i, and for a minute or two (longer, really, but to save face, for a minute or two) i thought of something more.

tonight, though, i realized its out of my system.

ill say i was burned one too many times, but that's not true, nor is it fair to her. what happened was simply i realized we were completely different people.

i talked to the girl about the trap door spider and she was surprised, she said she didnt think she was my type, but then again, "i don't really know your type."

"truth be told, she's probably more my type than you are."

and by that i mean... to me the girl's still innocent, and i know she isnt, i know she's been in some relationships that have been rough, but she's untainted almost.

and trap door spider isnt, and i tend to like that. i'd rather be the innocent one in a relationship.

but with trap door spider, there's been a revealing of more differences than i can handle, i think.

so friends we shall remain, and i will allow nothing more than that, and i dont think she wants anything more than that, so HA!

take that chester copperpot!

however, i will say this:

she's met a "really fine guy" who, i believe, has somehow disrespected her, but she's willing to go out with him because he's "really fine."

i got mad at her because she deserves better, and i told her as much.

onto other things about the crayons day:

i was told, when i went to eat dinner, that my jacket was "fly." this amuses me. not because my jacket isnt fly. oh, it is fly, it is fly.

somehow that reminds me i need to figure out directions for marion tomorrow. neither here nor there.

ha, directions, here nor there, unintentional funny, double word score, thirty points!

i got complimented a lot tonight, and that makes me uncomfortable, friend kept looking at me and calling me cutie. she said, at one point, that "you can't hide from being cute, so dont even try to!"

see, i was wearing my contacts and my brilliantly blue jacket and i was smiling.

im quite the charmer when im all dolled up.

i called home, ended up talking to my sister because on monday SHE GOT HER DRIVERS LICENSE.

which means I AM SO FREAKING OLD. good golly.

heh, she still has a black eye, however, so for the next six years her drivers license picture shall be her, black eyed.

ive talked to the girl once in four days. this saddens and disturbs an internal part of me that keeps me equilibrium-ish.

love me leave me you wont believe me but i love you only.

i work with some damn gossipy women, that bothers me, but i sit there and read my magazines and try to tone them out.

but its impossible, because if theres no other gossipy women around they turn to me and suck me into their web of stories.

hey, theres a motif today:

women who are like spiders.

yet, at my other job, the boss lady said:

"i was about to cry like a big goat."

which is why i love my boss lady with an unending faithfulness and would go to hell and back for her.

and she says i am of the satan, so its not as if its a long trip for me.

heh.